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| ***Bernie running for me on our daily mountain trail in South Lake Tahoe, CA. (Oct. 1996)*** |
They say dogs don't have a sense of time, but Bernie the Black Dog knows that it was two years ago today that I went to Puppy Heaven. I miss you. I miss our walks, you took me for one every day, even when you were tired or fussy. I miss how you were always nice to me, even when you were having a bad day. I miss how you would take my bowl, the last bit of food I always left, upstairs every night when we went to bed, so I could finish my kibble and sleep with a warm and fuzzy tummy. I miss how every night at bedtime you'd go to the bone bowl, grab Bernie a bone, and then playfully toss them to me when we got upstairs. I miss how you had two water bowls for me, one upstairs and one downstairs. I always had clean, fresh water because of you. I miss how you brushed me and kept my hair long and luxurious. I miss how you pet me, how you'd kiss my snout, how you'd talk to me, how you always took me on rides even though my hair got everywhere. I miss all these things.
Most of all, I just miss you.
I bit your hand the first day you had me, I barked ferociously the first day you went to work. You could have given up on Bernie, but you didn't. I always knew I was a good dog even when the people I was with before you had hated me and treated me badly. I used to look in your eyes, and you'd always look right back. My tail would wag, because I knew you loved me.
You loved me every day, even when I did things dogs aren't supposed to do. Do you remember when I ate the door at your apartment when we moved to Sacramento? You could have gotten mad, you could have given up on me. Instead, you worked so hard and kindly with me to make me feel at home, like I belonged with you. You treated me with so much love, and I loved giving you it back.
We lived a lot of places, Dad. I loved Tahoe, I was born there. I loved Elizabeth, she was so sweet when you weren't sure what to do with me. Poochie was my best friend, she helped me learn to be a good dog. I loved Sandy and her dogs, they treated me nice. I loved swimming in Lake Tahoe. I loved swimming in my mountain water hole. I loved chasing you through the mountains when you were on your bike. I always knew if I wandered you would be there for me when I turned the corner. You were always there for me, every day and every night.
Sacramento was cool, though you know I didn't like that apartment. We had so much fun, though, in the beaver pool and running through the park. I remember that cat, Oliver, at Denise's. Those were fun battles. Remember how Oliver and I would start fighting in the middle of the night? It was a dog's dream, though that cat had sharp claws.
Then we took a long drive. I whined a little in the car 'cause I wasn't sure where we were going. I was scared of being abandoned again, but I always knew in my heart you would be with me forever. I loved how you would stop along our journey so I could swim in the Pacific Ocean and all those pretty lakes. We ended up in Minnesota, and I loved every minute with you there.
You built a fence in the yard for me right away, because you knew I loved to be out in nature, watching the birds, watching the people walk by. You'd leave the backdoor open so I could walk in and out to check in with you then back to my yard. We'd get the mail together every day. We'd go to your mom and dad's. They have that beautiful lake I always swam in. Your mom has the kindest voice, and she would always give Bernie real bones and treats. I loved her. I could tell your dad was skeptical, but he warmed up to me and we became good friends. Cara and Marco would pet me, and I remember their baby, Eli. I'm glad I got to meet him. You always took me to the Mississippi River to laugh and play. You always made me an important part of your day.
And I remember every day. We lived in California, Nevada, and Minnesota. You took me to Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Montana, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, North Dakota, Iowa, Missouri, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, and Texas. I swam in the Pacific Ocean, the Gulf of Mexico, the Mississippi River, Lake Tahoe, and many other water wonderlands. Every day with you was my favorite day.
I never really got old, did I Dad? I was in really good shape my whole life. I did get confused and lost though once at Mom and Dad's. I was gone from you for so long, but I knew if I kept looking I would find you, or you would find me. I was so tired when you found me, so tired. I was scared, and I knew you knew that as soon as you found me. You sweetly picked me up and put me in the car with you, and kindly held me in your arms in the backseat. I knew everything was okay again. It was always okay with you.
I wish I wouldn't have gotten sick, I would have stayed much longer. Never was I luckier to have the best Dad in the world than when I was sick. You made me awesome food I could get down my swollen throat easier--hamburger, rice, and my favorite dog food. You always treated me in the same wonderful way even though I was a bit different than I used to be. You took extra care and made me feel more important than ever.
I remember New Year's Eve, a week before I went to Puppy Heaven, when you stayed home with me. We sat on the kitchen floor together, you feeding me all sorts of goodness--milk, hot dogs, yummy canned dog food, cheese. You are the best. I never saw sadness in your eyes, just delight that we were together. I never had sadness in my eyes with you.
You had to make hard decisions, but they were always the best decisions. You took me to the hospital and they made me feel awful with their medicine. I know you felt bad. Know that I only loved you more for caring so much and trying to help me. You never gave up on me, Dad.
Two years ago today, I felt really bad. I was scared but never lonely. You stayed home and helped me, calmed me as I struggled. You cried and told me that you had to let me go, to a place with Poochie and all the other great dogs that have ever lived. It was cold that day, a fresh dusting of snow. You sweetly led me to the car, my paw prints in the snow drawing my journey. I didn't want to get out of the car at the vet, Dad. I was tired and never really liked that place anyway. You picked me up and set me down, I walked in with you. The blanket they put on the floor with me was the softest blanket ever. I was so comfortable with my blanket and your voice as you pet me in all of my favorite spots. I felt bad for having to go, but you kept telling me it's okay. I closed my eyes knowing we were saying goodbye but that we would always be together forever. You are my Dad.
I see you crying now as you read this. It's okay. I love you and am with you every day. I know all your friends, and Oliver the dog, and the pretty wooden dog in your window. I love my blog and read it every day, and I show all the pretty pics to my friends here when we take a break from play. I love how you still say goodnight to me and have my fur and me at your bedside. I hear you talk to me every day. I walk with you. I see you laugh. I've seen you cry over some stuff lately, don't be sad. Hear the sweet song I sing for you with my beautiful voice you love. You will feel better.
I love my new home, but it doesn't have you. Poochie is good, and she misses you too. Everything I am is because of you. Bernie the Black Dog is never sad, always glad. Glad that you are and always will be my wonderful wonderful Dad.
Love, Bernie
