All About Me

***Me and my nephew, Eli. I'm on the left. April, 2009***

I've mentioned guilt a couple times. I'm not stupid, though, meaning I don't sit in my house feeling guilty about doing stuff now, like I'm betraying Bernie. In fact, I've gotten after it pretty good since she passed. There has been a little tug, though, that simple thought that I should get home . . . even though I obviously know that Bernie doesn't need me for anything. Nevertheless, there was a pull, probably because it was normal for me. Do whatever you do, check back in and Bernie and I enjoy each other for a while, resume life outside of Bernie. That has been my adult life, I've never not had a dog or two.

I have a new life now, and I've lived it more or less since January 7. However, it's only been in the past week or so that I've 100 percent embraced it. I mean, it's akin to someone giving you a lifelong salary but you don't have to work. You'd feel weird not going to work, even though there wasn't a need to. It must be like when your last kid goes to college. While you're always a mom and always a dad, one of your primary day to day obligations, poof, disappears. You feel out of sorts. I guess I'm full of sorts now.

I've learned that if home is where the heart is, it's only there because of those who are there, which makes sense. I like my house, live in a great neighborhood, but without my dog to chum around with throughout da 'hood, it feels not lonely nor alone but odd to be here, amongst families and empty nesters, primarily. What I've learned is I don't need to go home. When you have an anchor awaiting your return, you do your thangs out and about then immediately recognize the need to reunite with said anchor. Really, only in the past couple weeks have I vanquished that thought from my consciousness. I don't have to go home, and to a much greater degree than I ever would have anticipated, hangin' out at da crib has lost much appeal.

I'm just reporting here, neither bemoaning nor celebrating.

Fortunately, I have one zillion interests, now one zillion and one since I'm learning Portuguese. I'm going to Brazil this summer for a few weeks, and yep, I'll leave guilt-free. Maybe I won't come back, though if that's the case hopefully it's a voluntary decision as opposed to being held for ransom in the Amazon by a rogue but certainly interesting group of individuals. Back to my point, there are many things I put off over the past year or two until Bernie was gone.

She's gone now, so onward I go. Catch me if you can. Or join me.