"Seperator"

Just exactly as I remember
Every word
Every gesture
I'm a heart in cold ground

Like I'm falling out of bed
From a long and weary dream
Finally I'm free of all the weight I've been carrying

~Radiohead, "Seperator" (King of Limbs)

Soon . . .

Soon, Bernie's Blog will be no more. It will still exist, but it will be offline. Resting. This of course started as a blog about my beloved pooch, as she lived her last days with me. It was unbelievably therapeutic to me . . . to write it, to share it, to hear everyone's kind thoughts in response. One of the main reasons I wrote it was to have a written memory of my time with Bernie. As time goes by, memories fade. I do not want those memories to fade. She was my best friend for almost 15 years, those years probably being the craziest 15 of my life, when it's all said and done. When I was lost, she was there.

I have been lost a lot over the past ten months. I have written about some of it, but only those closest to me know how utterly influenced I have been by what has happened--and not happened--over the past year, really. Not many people read this blog, as I am able to view stats about number of readers, etc. That of course is okay with me. I write it to express myself, that is my only motive. What you have read here the past several months is just the tip of the iceberg for the most profoundly difficult experience I've encountered. At times I have been angry, but most often just sad. I have been counseled professionally, and I have read thousands and thousands of pages regarding why people do what they do.

I have learned a lot about myself and human beings in general. The human mind is so very complex but at the same time, simple and predictable. You could even say that in hindsight, I should have seen it all coming.

Aside from continuing to be absolutely dumbfounded, I have healed. My life and head are normal, or at least as normal as I get. What I have a hard time dealing with and accepting is that there is a human being on this planet, a total of one, who has made me feel like I am poison. That hurts, bad, and I will never understand that.

Been a While

It's been a while since I've blogged. So what should I blog about? How about dogs.

I've been thinking about getting a dog a lot more lately. I'm not going to get one now, I don't think. I still have my master plan to move out of my house and get a deluxe apartment in the sky. However, I'm not sure that will happen next spring, the original thought.

Several reasons: One, I'm lazy. It takes a lot of energy to move, and I'm not sure I have that in me just yet. Two, the housing market continues to suck, though in my *expert* opinion, it will continue to suck for quite some time. More so than those first two reasons is Arnie. Arnie is my 85-ish-year-old neighbor, he lives behind me across the alley. Now, if you met Arnie, you'd never take him for 85-ish, especially if you saw him out there taking down a big oak tree, like he did last summer, or re-sealing his driveway, which he does every summer. Arnie is married, too. His wife is much younger and takes very good care of him.

So what the hell does Arnie have to do with me not moving?

Well, I'd feel kind of bad. We're buddies, and I help him with stuff sometimes. I didn't help him with the oak tree though. It was here one day, gone the next, and he did it with a friend, I believe. Arnie has a snow blower, but it's a little thing, so when big snows come, I help him blow it out with my mac daddy blower. Generally, that's all I help him with, but none of us are getting any younger, so I'm sure as time goes on, I'll help him more. Plus he's my buddy, and I'd feel bad leaving him.

Another reason is my neighbor directly next door, whose husband died suddenly in January. That was one of the six or so deaths I dealt with this winter. I help her some, like I'll just cut her grass while I'm cutting mine or something--I mean, not simultaneously, that would be impossible, but you know what I mean. I stopped by the other day just to quickly talk some "business", and she invited me in, and we talked for over an hour. I was STARVING, I'd just gotten off my bike from work. Hey though, it is hard to just up and leave when you're talking to a someone who was suddenly made a widow. At least it better be hard for you to get up under those circumstances.

I am loyal to my people, that is why I might delay my move.

I had a dream last night that I was dogsitting that awesome Akita (I almost called it an "Ikea") dog, Cal, from my neighborhood. That dog loves me, it's ridiculous. Anyway, in my dream Cal escaped my yard, so I was all freaked out. She came back though, and we were very happy. It's good when things that left come back, yo.

So I probably won't get a dog anytime soon, because I will probably move into an apartment sooner than later.

That's all I got.